


Two of a Kind

by Vanessa_Cocotea



Category: Doctor Who: Eighth Doctor Adventures - Various Authors, Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Action/Adventure, Crossover, Explicit Language, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-02
Updated: 2014-04-02
Packaged: 2018-01-17 23:09:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1406035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vanessa_Cocotea/pseuds/Vanessa_Cocotea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From 2005:</p><p>Fitz incurs the Doctor's wrath...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Two of a Kind

**Author's Note:**

> This was for my son's birthday in 2005 and he loved it. 
> 
> It's my first and, thus far, only Transformers story. It's also the first time Fitz has been in one of my stories as the Doctor's only companion. 
> 
> It was still early days with my writing and the characterisations are a bit - quirky. I hope I've improved since.

"Fitz! We've landed."

"Where?"

"I can't tell you, if I get laryngitis from shouting."

"Yeah, yeah, all right." Fitz ambled into the console room. He'd been in the library, actually reading. Reading stuff he knew the Doctor had, but wouldn't encourage Fitz to read, because those sorts of books would give Fitz the kind of ideas he didn't need any more of. So, of course, that got Fitz to reading. He'd been at a particularly juicy bit of "Lady Chatterley's Lover", when the Doctor had called. He reluctantly closed the book and went to find out where they were.

"So where are we?"

"I don't know." The Doctor's chestnut curls flew round as he shook his head.

"WHAT?? You made me put down "Lady Chat..." The Doctor gave Fitz a quizzical look.

"Fitz, Fitz, Fitz. When are you going to get your mind out of the gutter? Why don't you read something sane like Agatha Christie?"

"Too dull."

The Doctor looked at him incredulously. "Too dull??"

"Yeah, all that coziness and knitting...yeach!"

The Doctor continued to stare at him. "Of course, I suppose, the idea of your reading at all is a step forward. But your choice of reading matter leaves much to be desired." He grinned.

"So sue me. Why don't you know where we are?"

"Well, as you can see, the scanner shows the landscape and there appears to be a breathable atmosphere, but the old girl isn't able to identify the planet."

"Is it inhabited?"

"She doesn't say. Very strange. Possibly a malfunction." The Doctor looked thoughtful.

"Breathable atmosphere. So take a chance. I'd hate to think I'd interrupted Lady Chatterley for nothing. Hell hath no fury like interrupted lovers." Fitz grinned cheekily.

"Oh, Fitz! Come on. You need some air!" The Doctor ushered Fitz out of the TARDIS and promptly stopped just outside. He held out a hand. Fitz groaned, reached into his jacket pocket and handed over his paperback copy of "Lady Chatterley's Lover". The Doctor snapped his fingers. Groaning even louder, Fitz handed over a pack of cigarettes and his lighter. The Doctor locked the items safely in the TARDIS. He shook his head and murmured, "Fitz will be Fitz." Fitz pouted - for about ten seconds. He and the Doctor had walked about two feet, when they were nearly run over by an assortment of giant vehicles travelling at speed.

"Holy Bloody Sh..." Fitz looked at the Doctor, who regarded him with a raised eyebrow, and replied, "Sugar!", instead. One vehicle screeched to a halt and from within, they could hear a voice bellowing, "Hod Rod to Optimus Prime. I've just sighted two unknown humans in the area. What are your orders?"

The Doctor and Fitz looked at each other, totally confused. Obviously, the planet was inhabited, but before they had a chance to react, they heard, "Roger that!" Then the vehicle, Hot Rod, had flung open a door and a voice ordered them to "Get in!" When they hesitated, a metal arm was flung out and they were grabbed and shoved inside. To their further surprise and shock, there was no visible driver! Just a voice that shouted, "Hang on!" Shocked and confused, they hung on.

********

They were driven for about half an hour, when the "car" pulled up in front of a gigantic building. They were promptly ejected onto the pavement in front. On hearing a clash of noises, the Doctor and Fitz watched in disbelief as the vehicle rearranged itself into a gigantic robot.

Fitz started to open his mouth and the Doctor automatically warned, "Fiitz." Fitz muttered, "Wicked!" The Doctor was well aware of what he'd been about to say, but there was a slight twinkle in his eye, anyway. The next thing they knew, the robot had held out a "hand".

"Hot Rod. Pleased to meet you. If you'd like to step this way, Optimus will explain everything."

"I need a drink." Fitz proclaimed.

"I certainly agree with you on that, Fitz." But the Doctor also added that he could do with a whole pot of tea! Fitz thought, "Only if it were 90% Johnny Walker. That", he reflected, "would be the only way HE'D drink tea the way he was feeling at the moment!"

They were led into what could've passed for a hangar for the Imperial Star Destroyer. And then, they met Optimus Prime. He dwarfed Hot Rod and made the Doctor and Fitz look like dust bunnies! Fitz got dizzy just looking up at the gargantuan figure.

"Hello! I'm Optimus Prime. Welcome to Cybertron."

"Ah, Cybertron. No wonder the TARDIS didn't know where we were. I don't believe Cybertron is in my ship's database."

"Doctor? I thought you had..."

"No, Fitz. Even the TARDIS can't know every planet in existence. I'm sorry. I'm the Doctor and this is..."

"Kreiner, Fitz Kreiner."

"Hello! If you'll just step into the lift, I'll answer...just a minute." Optimus listened to his communicator. "He's WHAT?? I'll be right there. I'm afraid explanations will have to wait. I'm needed elsewhere." Optimus opened another channel. "Alexis? I need you right away!"

A few minutes later, a young woman - about Fitz's age, came into the hangar.

"Doctor, Fitz, may I present Alexis. She's one of several human staff members. Alexis? Would you look after our new guests? Fill them in, please? Megatron's been sighted."

"Yes, of course. I'd be delighted. Please, follow me. You look like you could use some refreshment."

Fitz couldn't take his eyes off Alexis. She was beautiful! Only half listening, he muttered, "Ah, yeah. Ta."

The Doctor, more politely, answered, "Thank you, Alexis. That would be most welcome."

She led them to a human-sized lounge area. "Would be tea be all right?"

The Doctor smiled, "It would be perfect. Thank you." If only she knew how perfect, he thought. But Fitz was not so enthusiastic. "Yeah, that would be fine."

Alexis guided them to chairs and went to get the tea. She was back quite quickly. She poured a cup for the Doctor. "Milk?" "Please." The Doctor settled back with his favourite beverage. Alexis smiled at Fitz. She poured about a third of a cup for him. Fitz looked puzzled, then boggled, when she extracted a bottle of Johnny Walker Red from a nearby cupboard and topped up his cup.

"What? How?" In a daze, he accepted the cup. How did she know? Being Fitz though, he just said, "Ta!" and was soon enjoying his whisky-laced tea - or rather his tea-laced whisky, to be more accurate. He looked at the Doctor, peacefully sipping his tea. Fitz chuckled to himself, and thought, "Give the Doctor a cup of tea and he can handle anything."

Alexis began with, "We don't get many human visitors..."

The Doctor interrupted her, "Actually, I'm not human."

"Oh?" Alexis looked puzzled. "You certainly look..."

"Actually, I am half human - on my mother's side. But I'm also Gallifreyan. A Time Lord from the planet, Gallifrey." The Doctor smiled at her.

"Hmm, I've not heard of it. Sorry. Well, we're even, then." She smiled. "I understand that you hadn't heard of Cybertron. Anyway, to get to the point..." Alexis gave an account of Cybertron, the Autobots, Decepticons and their current situation.

"So, that was what the convoy was for, to bring poison gas to a safe location. And now this Megatron is aware of its existence and, in true villain fashion, wants to steal it to help him conquer the universe." The Doctor smiled at Alexis. "Correct?"

"Yes, exactly so."

"Maybe we could help. My ship could transport the gas anywhere you'd like. Or, we could keep it safe, if you haven't a safe location of your own, now that this Megatron knows of it."

Fitz groaned. The Doctor was interfering again. And what that would lead to, Fitz didn't want to imagine. The Doctor just ignored him.

Alexis, also ignoring him, said, "You have a ship? Hot Rod didn't mention seeing any spaceships."

"Well, he wouldn't have done, would he? You see, our ship is the tall blue box we were standing in front of."

"The one Hot Rod said wasn't much bigger than the pair of you?"

"That's right."

"But..."

The Doctor cut her off, grinning. "It's transdimensional. Bigger on the inside..."

"Oh, like the human brain. The mind is vast, but it can be contained inside the tiny physical organ, the brain, because the mind is in a different dimension. "

The Doctor was amazed at Alexis's perfect analogy. It was a first - a human who understood transdimensionalism. "Exactly. A perfect analogy, Alexis. You're the first human to get it so right. Of course, being a scientist would help. But, even so, you're the first." The Doctor beamed at her.

Alexis mused, "Imagine that. A phone box you could land a plane in."

That cracked Fitz up and he laughed until the tears streamed out of his eyes. When he finally composed himself, he looked at their quizzical faces and said, "That's a good one. I gotta remember that."

Alexis carried on. "Optimus will certainly consider your kind offer of help, Doctor. That is, if he can find a moment to listen when he gets back. Of course, if he comes through on his communicator, I'll ask him then. Your ship would certainly frustrate Megatron. I take it your ship has a force field of some kind?"

"Oh, yes! My TARDIS has everything."

"TARDIS?"

"The name of my ship. T-A-R-D-I-S. It stands for Time And Relative Dimension In Space."

"That's clever. Till we hear from Optimus, would you like a tour?"

"That would be most kind. Thank you." The Doctor responded politely.

The first place they went was the garage. Hot Rod was there, refueling himself. He was in vehicle mode.

"Hello, everyone! Alexis, I'm just out for a little spin. Yes, I know about Megatron. If Optimus needs me, he can call." Hot Rod spoke to Fitz, "Like a ride?"

Alexis warned, "Hot Rod." Hot Rod was known for his love of speed, and also, a certain recklessness.

Hot Rod assured her. "He'll be safe enough, Alexis. I promise! How about it, Fitz?"

Fitz looked to the Doctor. "Well?"

The Doctor looked concerned. "I don't know, what with Megatron on the loose."

"Doctor, I promise, we won't go far. He'll be safe. You have my word." Hot Rod now had to reassure the Doctor as well.

"Come on, Doctor! How often do I get a chance to ride in a transforming robot?" Fitz felt like a two-year-old begging for sweets.

The Doctor relented, somewhat reluctantly. "All right. But be..."

"Careful. I know. Ta!" Fitz started to walk towards Hot Rod, who had opened a door, when he was stopped by Alexis. She looked sceptical. "I suppose it'll be all right. But, Hot Rod, BEHAVE YOURSELF!" She turned to Fitz. "You'll need these." She had led him to a supply of racing driver's protective overalls and helmets.

"Thanks, Alexis." Fitz surprised her by giving her a peck on the cheek. He put on the overalls and a helmet and got in Hot Rod. Waving goodbye, he shouted, "See ya later, Doc!" With that, Hot Rod took off - at about eighty kilometres an hour, barely getting the garage door open in time! They could hear Fitz exclaim, "Holy Bloody S********T!" And this time, he didn't say, "Sugar!"

"Oh dear." The Doctor shook his head and the corners of his mouth twitched a few times. Finally, he gave in and laughed. He couldn't blame Fitz for his language this time. Without warning, the poor guy had just been taken from naught to 80 in about a googleplexth of an attosecond! Fitz's reaction was perfectly understandable.

Alexis rolled her eyes. "Oh, Hot Rod, you'd better behave."

Alexis and the Doctor spent the rest of the tour with the Doctor pebble-dashing her with questions. He was fascinated by everything! Alexis could barely get a word in to answer them! But she did discover that the Doctor was quite a skilled scientist himself. Optimus would do well to accept any help the Doctor could give.

The Doctor was about to offer her a tour of the TARDIS, when two things happened. One, the Doctor was amazed to find that an autobot, called "Beachcomber", had entered the hangar, and, two, that he was carrying the TARDIS!

"I found this while I was out. I have no idea what it is. I thought you might be interested, Alexis." He noticed the Doctor. "Oh. Hello! I'm 'Beachcomber'."

"Hello, I'm the Doctor. And that is mine." He indicated the TARDIS. "It's my ship. Thank you for bringing her here."

"I'm sorry? Your ship??" Beachcomber looked thoroughly confused.

The Doctor started to answer, but Alexis forestalled him. "The Doctor will explain later (here the Doctor smiled and thought to himself, "That's usually my line!"). Megatron's here and he's after the gas. Optimus should be back from his meeting with our scouts any minute."

As if on cue, Optimus strode in. "There's trouble. Megatron's...Where's Hot Rod?" Optimus sounded worried and not a little miffed.

Alexis looked slightly embarrassed. "He...ah...took the Doctor's companion, Fitz, for a short ride." She saw Optimus's expression. "He's not that irresponsible, Optimus. He won't let Fitz come to any harm. And he knows you'll call if you need him."

Optimus looked very sceptical and said, slowly. "I hope you're right, Alexis." He brought up his communicator. "Optimus to Hot Rod - report!" No answer. And no response after several tries. They all looked at one another. As Alexis had said, Hot Rod was not that irresponsible. He would have responded - if he were able. Something had happened to them.

********

Sometime earlier, Fitz was having the time of his life! This was infinitely better than the go-cart track in the TARDIS. He just laid back and let Hot Rod go. It felt to Fitz like being chauffeured. He could get used to this. They talked as Hot Rod drove. Hot Rod asked plenty of questions about the TARDIS. Fitz did his best to answer, but Hot Rod still found it hard to believe that all the Autobots could fit inside a small blue box. He couldn't believe he could or, even that Fitz and the Doctor could!

They were chatting and barreling along, when Fitz was abruptly slammed back into his seat. The breath was nearly knocked out of him. He was barely able to utter, "What the...?" Hot Rod had come to a very abrupt halt. Fitz could see through the windscreen that some kind of metallic net was over them.

Hot Rod exclaimed, "Oh, Cybertron! It's Megatron!"

Fitz didn't even try to restrain his language. "Oh...Shit! The guy causing all the trouble. And we're in it big time!" Fitz muttered to himself. "The Doctor's going to love this."

Megatron came to stand over them. His minions had them completely surrounded. Fitz was an added bonus for Megatron. He hated humans. So he was looking forward to enormous fun.

"Well! Well! A couple of lambs strayed from the flock. Optimus should take better care of his children. And, one of them is a real treat! A new human! I can look forward to a very agreeable time, indeed!"

"Oh, shit!" Fitz muttered again.

Weapons were trained on them as the net was removed. Hot Rod transformed back into robot mode. Megatron immediately scooped up Fitz and ordered Hot Rod. "Try anything and this little one will be crushed to a singularity. And don't think I won't enjoy doing that!" Fitz gave a strangled cry. He shook like a leaf on steroids, lying in Megatron's giant hand. He thought to himself, "Oh Doctor, you get me outta this and I promise I'll be a good boy forever!" At that moment, he meant it with all his heart and deeply regretted having succeeded in secreting a few "emergency" ciggies and matches in the leather jacket - he still wore under his coveralls. Megatron lowered him to the clutches of a couple of his Decepticons.

Weapons trained at their backs, Hot Rod and Fitz were herded into a cell. Hardly a new experience for Fitz. The number of times he and the Doctor had been locked up, he couldn't imagine. It was hardly a novelty for Hot Rod, either. All the times he'd been confined to quarters for assorted acts of recklessness took away any novelty in his current situation.

Fitz heaved a sigh as he slumped down on the floor, back to the wall. He looked up at Hot Rod and said, "I take it, you don't smoke?" He might as well use the cigarettes he'd hidden.

Hot Rod responded, "I certainly hope not! My engine's just had a service!" Fitz held up a cigarette. "Oh, that kind of smoking. No, not really physically possible."

"Pity." Fitz muttered, striking a match on the cell wall. "You don't mind if I do?"

"No, go ahead." His communicator sounded. "Oh, Cybertron! It's Optimus. He's not going to be amused." Hot Rod listened. He tried to report back as instructed, but it was clear that he wasn't getting through. He and Fitz looked at each other. How were they going to be rescued now? Whatever "music" they'd have to face, it had to be less horrifying than whatever Megatron had in mind for them. He'd dumped them in the cell and gone off to organise God knew what.

********

Back at the Autobot base, it was clear that Hot Rod's communicator wasn't working. How were they going to rescue them, now?

"Perhaps, I can help." The Doctor spoke up. "I placed a homing signal on Fitz's jacket as I ushered him out the TARDIS, earlier. It's become rather a necessity of late - he tends to wander towards any female within shouting range." He smiled, ruefully. "We'll all need to get in the TARDIS, then I can activate it."

Beachcomer stared in disbelief. "I really don't see how..."

The Doctor grinned, "Then let me show you." Within a minute, the Doctor had several open-mouthed and speechless new guests in his TARDIS. Even Optimus Prime was taken aback! But as Alexis had said, explanations would have to come later. Right now, the Doctor activated the homing signal and discovered that Megatron had set up shop in a disused base, not that far away. Optimus and Beachcomer nipped out and retrieved several gas containers. Optimus had an idea. They came back with Arcee, who was worried about Hot Rod, but would never say, and Ratchet, in case Hot Rod was injured.

The scanner showed them - through a window in the building, the view inside Megatron's makeshift base.

"There. Over there. The giant crates." The Doctor pointed at the scanner. "What do you think, Optimus? Could we land undetected? The TARDIS has a distinct landing sound, but with all the racket they're making in there, I doubt we would be heard."

"It seems to be our best chance. What could Megatron be planning that would involve that amount of machinery being bashed about?" Optimus wasn't entirely sure he wanted to know. But he discovered one thing. There were plenty of places to hide the gas canisters. The Doctor had helped him rig up remote controls, so, once they'd found their wayward companions, they could give Megatron one heck of a surprise. But first, they had to find their two truant rascals. The Doctor's homing signal quickly located them and the decision was taken to land directly in the cell where Fitz and Hot Rod were being kept. The Doctor's sonic screwdriver would take care of any guards and the cell door.

"Time to pay the piper." Fitz moaned as he heard the TARDIS's wheezing and groaning. Hot Rod stared in disbelief as the TARDIS materialised. Fitz grinned at him and quickly stubbed out his cigarette - but not quickly enough to prevent the Doctor seeing.

The Doctor bounded over, shouting, "Fitz! Thank goodness you're all right!" He gave Fitz a big hug and whispered in Fitz's ear, "We'll discuss it later."

"Oh hell." Fitz thought.

Hot Rod was getting a similar response from Optimus. Arcee forgot herself and let her feelings for Hot Rod show. She threw her arms around him in a crushing hug, but whispered to him, "You gave me a fright, you rogue!" Hot Rod mumbled an apology.

Optimus brought them back to the second matter at hand. "Well, now that our two wayward rascals are safe," (The two "wayward rascals" stared at the floor.) "we need to let Megatron know we're here. In a way he'll never forget. So let's lay the gas to best advantage!"

Fitz had a question. "This poison gas? It harms your kind?"

Optimus answered, "Yes, it does. Which is why the canisters must be placed with great care. Then, when set off at just the right moment, Megatron and his Decepticons should take an unscheduled trip into space - if we're lucky!" Optimus chuckled.

Since the canisters were small enough for them to carry - just, the Doctor and Fitz were elected to place them in position. They were the nimblest, had the best chance of not being seen by Megatron and company and being tiny little humanoids, they had no choice - physically speaking, but to carry them safely. So there was an excellent chance the canisters wouldn't explode.

Still, it was dangerous work. Fitz never said a word in protest. This was his chance to make amends. The Doctor knew Fitz would play his part to perfection, but he also knew, that however much he wanted to make up for his behaviour, Fitz would not change overnight. The Doctor sincerely hoped not and laughed to himself. If Fitz got too well-behaved, he'd be so boring!

********

They crept between crates and posts and in shadows, like mice, stopping when the enemy came too close. They'd just laid the last canister vertically against a wall, to take a breather, when a Decepticon called, "Battletrap", spotted them. They couldn't have picked a worse Deception to be discovered by. Battletrap immediately split in two, each half going after a victim. The Doctor gave himself and Fitz a small safety net when he set his sonic screwdriver at an ear-shattering whine. Fitz covered his ears and they ran. They soon discovered just how small that safety net was. Battletrap was disorientated for only seconds and was soon in hot pursuit again. He covered the space himself and the two humanoids in seconds.

The Doctor and Fitz got to the door they'd used on arrival. Both of Battletrap's parts had backed up and were revving up, preparatory to crushing his victims to the wall. Naturally, the door jammed as Battletrap raced forward.

"C'mon, Doc!" Fitz wailed. The Doctor had turned his sonic screwdriver into a lance and was nearly through the door, Battletrap just feet away, when he shut off the screwdriver. "What the...??" Fitz exclaimed in disbelief. The Doctor threw his arm around Fitz's shoulder and ordered, "Kick!" They simultaneously kicked the door and burst through, just as Battletrap slammed into the wall. Not even fazed, his parts backed up and revved for a second try.

The Doctor and Fitz tore through the door to the stairs. Dangerous though he was, and reckless, Battletrap couldn't do stairs - well, not split in two, anyway.

********

Inside the TARDIS, Optimus watched on the scanner. The Doctor had shown him the door control. As soon as he spied them, Optimus had the door open. The Doctor and Fitz dashed in and collapsed on the floor. There was no time to rest, however, as the Doctor got up and raced to the console. The TARDIS dematerialised as a one piece Battletrap entered the cell and was about split and resume attack, when there was nothing to attack! In anger and frustration, he hurled the unconscious guardbots at the wall.

Landing back at the Autobot base, and with Alexis joining them, Optimus operated the remote. They never did find out what all the noise Megatron and company were making was all about. Megatron and company were blasted far into space, relatively unharmed, unfortunately. Not good for the Autobots and the other inhabitants of Cybertron, as it meant a chance of Megatron returning someday. As he disappeared into space, Megatron spouted off a string of what sounded to Fitz and the Doctor like gibberish. They looked to Optimus for a translation, but he refused. Optimus Prime most certainly did NOT use THAT kind of language! The Doctor, Fitz and everyone present laughed.

********

They were all settled in the console room. Almost immediately, Fitz announced that he and Hot Rod were headed for the go-cart track.

"Have fun!" The Doctor wished them.

Alexis looked at him. "You're not concerned they won't find more trouble?"

"No. That's another thing about my TARDIS. Even if I didn't trust Fitz, which I do, the TARDIS is semi-sentient. She'll keep them out of mischief."

"How did Hot Rod get through the doorways?" enquired Arcee. She'd seen him just sort of disappear. "Oh, right. I get it. The same impossibly unbelievable way we got in."

"Exactly. Now, I have a few questions about Megatron, the gas and the whole venture." The Doctor grinned. Alexis closed her eyes and inwardly groaned. "Here we go again!" She thought. "Now we'll see how Optimus copes with being broadsided with questions." She settled down to watch the fun.

Broadsided was a good word. The Doctor asked a dozen questions about the poison gas itself. Where it was being taken and its effect on humans. How much would it take to destroy the planet. How they'd discovered it. It was as though he'd asked all the questions at once! Optimus blinked, metaphorically speaking, that is. Alexis couldn't help but giggle. Optimus dove in.

"The gas was discovered by accident in one of our labs. We knew it was dangerous when it took out half the building and all of the lab. There were several injuries, but, miraculously, no fatalities. We discovered that it corroded various wires in our circuitry. Those Autobots affected, fortunately, managed to radio for help in time and we were able to save them. The humans became very ill and spent days vomiting. Any contact with their skin caused a severe sunburn effect. With careful medical attention, they recovered. This was just with a relatively small amount of the gas - about what you and Fitz placed in Megatron's base."

The Doctor gasped. "Relax, I would not have allowed you and the lad near the canisters, if there had been any possibility of any extreme danger. Those canisters were the safest way we've found to transport it. Still a danger, yes, but I knew you'd take the necessary care and it would be safe enough in your hands."

"We knew we had a powerful weapon. And that we needed to protect it from Megatron. We knew sooner or later, he'd hear of it - with predictable results. We had a safe location to store it, but the problem was getting it there before Megatron learned of it. Now that's not a problem. It will take him time to try again. So, even though, there's a vast quantity of the gas to be stored, we'll get it done."

The Doctor looked to Optimus."I'd be more than willing to help. As you can see, I'm more than capable."

Optimus considered. "That's very kind of you. I can see that your ship could carry it all at once and has the added benefit of being to land inside our "safe haven", as it were. But I couldn't ask you and Fitz to put yourselves in any more danger on our behalf. No, please, " Optimus saw the Doctor about to speak. "you've done more than enough and we're very grateful, but I couldn't allow it. Not that vast a quantity. If something were to go wrong, I'd never forgive myself."

The Doctor conceded. "As you wish. But there are two more questions I'd like to ask, if I may?" The Doctor smiled.

"Yes?"

"Number one, just as a matter of interest, does the gas have a name? And, two, would you all like a tour of my TARDIS?"

"As to the first question, the only name we've given it, so far, is what Hot Rod calls it. "Optimus's Revenge"." Everyone, including Optimus, laughed. "As for a tour, well, I can't answer for the others, but I could use a rest. If you don't mind, Doctor, I'll stay in the console room. I'm more than happy to let the others tell me about it."

"As you wish." The Doctor sounded a little disappointed. He loved to show off his TARDIS. "Anyone else?"

Ratchet and Arcee were about to accept, when they both got calls on their communicators and had to leave. They reluctantly said goodbye and went, taking Beachcomer with them. The console room was too much for him, never mind the rest. However, Alexis did accept. The Doctor beamed at her. "Follow me, then!" He strode off, Alexis right behind him.

They stopped by the go-cart track to say hello to Fitz and Hot Rod. The two were completely lost in tinkering in the pitstop area, so the Doctor and Alexis just smiled and moved on.

********

Alexis thoroughly enjoyed herself. The Doctor's TARDIS was like an island paradise or a city. She had everything. They popped by the beach room, the butterfly room, the library, the cinema, the Cloister room, the spa, or, as the Doctor called it, the "pamper room", a secondary white control room and a lab that far outstripped anything Alexis had. There was also a surgery that would have kept Ratchet happy forever. Alexis was firmly convinced the TARDIS did indeed have everything. On their way back to the console room, they passed a laundry room with a Martian washer/dryer that also pressed and mended garments! And, lastly, a state-of-the-art kitchen that also managed to have a distinctly warm, cozy friendly feel. The Doctor told her how many bedrooms, bathrooms and other rooms he'd discovered (a concert hall??), and that even he didn't know all of the rooms there were in the TARDIS. Especially, since the TARDIS had an impish habit of moving them - and other things, about when she was bored. Also, when she was bored, she felt compelled to create new rooms as well! It certainly made life interesting, the Doctor told her, if a bit frustrating.

Alexis could hardly taken it all in. But she did take in one thing without any difficulty at all. She completely envied the Doctor having the TARDIS. It must be something else to live in the TARDIS. She'd never forget seeing it, sorry, her. Alexis told the TARDIS she was really impressed. Lights blinked off and on. The Doctor told Alexis the TARDIS had just said "Thank you!" "You're welcome!" Alexis replied. Now she was really impressed!

********

Back in the console room, they discovered Optimus propped against one of the stone walls - motionless.

"He's asleep." Alexis told the Doctor.

"Oh." Well, Optimus had said he needed a rest. He'd certainly earned it!

"We should wake him, though. He'll be needed back at base." Alexis walked over to the sleeping giant. "Optimus? Optimus?"

"What? Was I?" He looked at the Doctor. "I'm terribly sorry! You must think me extremely rude, falling asleep like that. My apologies, Doctor."

The Doctor smiled. "Don't be silly. You did say you needed a rest and the TARDIS's humming can be very soothing. You're not the first to fall asleep. And you've nothing to apologise for, I assure you."

Optimus said, "Thank you. We should be going." He looked round. "Hot Rod and Fitz aren't back yet?" All three decided to go get them.

********

They weren't in the go-cart track room. In the course of their search, they heard the most frightful sound - like a couple of metallic cats gargling with battery acid. They all thought, "Heavens, what a sound!" It was coming from the library. The sight that met their eyes defied description and set their ears and nerves on razor-sharp edge.

Fitz and Hot Rod were slumped against the wall, blitzed out of their brains, amidst a floor littered with a good two hundred empty bottles of the Doctor's best wines! They were singing - if one could it that, a bizarre and extremely offensive rendition of "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall". It appeared to go something like, "99 sexy old tarts on the wall. 99 sexy old tarts. Take one down and pass her a round, there'll be 98 sexy old tarts on the wall." Hot Rod may not have been able to smoke cigarettes, but Fitz discovered he could definitely get drunk! It was then that Fitz noticed the Doctor in the doorway and the look on his face. Alexis and Optimus didn't look too pleased, either.

"Holy bloody shit." Fitz muttered. The look on the Doctor's face had sobered him up real fast. Fitz's bright idea for a last fling, before he shaped up and seriously started to behave himself, had got horribly out of control. He couldn't even have said when things had gone so wrong. He and Hot Rod were just having a little parting drink and the next thing he knew, the Doctor was glaring at him from the library doorway. Even the Doctor wouldn't see the funny side of this! Or, at least, Fitz didn't think he would. Fitz was in serious trouble. What had he been thinking?

The Doctor looked at Optimus. "I can not tell you how sorry I am for all this. He's had his moments, but Fitz has never done anything like this before. Shame, he has such a lovely singing voice when he's sober. You should hear him." The Doctor sighed. "Anyway, I sincerely and deeply apologise, Optimus."

Optimus replied, "Don't be too hard on the lad, Doctor. Megatron can drive anyone to extreme behaviour. Hot Rod has given us a few "moments", as you call them. Don't worry, Ratchet will soon have Hot Rod back to normal."

The Doctor replied back, "I'm glad. And, thank you, for being so understanding." He paused and looked round. "Where's Alexis?" They called. She appeared in the doorway, carrying a tray.

"I didn't think you'd mind, Doctor. The sooner Fitz gets this down, the better." On the tray was the classic treatment for human drunkenness - a pot of very strong black coffee and a large mug. Fitz looked slightly alarmed.

"Thank you, Alexis." The Doctor said, softly. He turned to Fitz, holding out the steaming mug. "Drink." Fitz took the mug.

"Doctor?"

"Yes, Alexis?"

"You said the TARDIS would keep Fitz out of mischief when he and Hot Rod left for the go-cart track. Well, um, she..." Alexis couldn't bring herself to actually accuse the TARDIS of shirking her duty.

"You think the TARDIS didn't do her job, right?" The Doctor smiled.

"Well..."

"Believe it or not, when you think about it, she did her job very well." He saw Alexis's face. "You see, Alexis, by letting Fitz get himself and Hot Rod drunk, she showed him the real danger of drinking to excess in a way that got the message across, but in a safe environment. You understand?"

"Yes, I believe I do. I don't think Hot Rod will even consider Ethanol after this, now he knows what alcohol does to him. But I am sorry it took so much of your fine wine, Doctor."

"Yes, well, message received, so I guess it was worth it. Still, I'm sorry, as well, that it took so many bottles. I'll never be able to replace some of them. They were one-offs." He shook his head sadly.

Optimus hefted the drunken Hot Rod. "They're two of a kind, eh, Doctor? Most of the time, a real handful, but when you really need them, they're there for you."

"And, you know, I wouldn't have it any other way." The Doctor grinned.

Optimus chuckled. "You're right there. Well, thank you, Doctor. But I think it's time we got going. Goodbye, Doctor!"

"Goodbye, Optimus!" Optimus left. Alexis looked at Fitz and gave him a small wave. Fitz looking at her rather sheepishly, waved, and sipped his coffee - very, very slowly. They might have had something - he and Alexis. Oh, well. She and the Doctor said their goodbyes and she left. Then the Doctor gave Fitz a shove towards the console room. Fitz gratefully abandoned his coffee mug on a table in the library.

"Sit." Fitz sat in the Doctor's reading chair. He really hoped this wasn't going to take long, because his mind was elsewhere - big time.

"Doctor, I'm sorry, for sneaking the cigarettes, for using so much of your wine - Hot Rod's a big guy, I just wanted him to have a decent drink. But I really don't know what I was thinking. I really am very sorry." His mind was REALLY elsewhere.

The Doctor looked at him. "Before I remind you - yet again, of the dangers of second-hand smoke, etc., I just want to know one thing. How did you get into the wine cellar, in the first place? One key never leaves my possession and the other is safely hidden. Well?"

Fitz actually smirked. "Doctor, please, hidden in a fake door hinge on a door to the wine cellar? That would insult a dodo bird's intelligence."

"Oh dear. And I thought it unusual enough to be quite clever. Obviously, I need to think again. Now! The dangers of smoking, including second-hand smoke - again!" Fitz groaned. He was having a hard time paying attention to the Doctor.

"Firstly, you're doing a quit-smoking programme tomorrow. I've discovered one that's guaranteed to work in one day. The physician who developed it says it's never failed."

Fitz interrupted, and started to squirm. "And you believe him??" He shut up when he saw the Doctor's pained look. The Doctor continued.

"As regards second-hand smoke, have you ever considered the other inhabitants of the TARDIS?"

"Others? There's only you and me. And you're a Time Lord. Your body can..."

"...not handle an endless amount of second-hand smoke! Even my body has its limits! You're forgetting Jasper and Stewart, and the butterflies, and then there's Daisy and Onslow...

Fitz raised an eyebrow. "Daisy and Onslow?"

"Yes, a charming chimpanzee couple who reside in the beach room. Sam and I met them the first time Sam gave me a birthday party. It was Sam who named them Daisy and Onslow."

"Right. All right, I get the message. May I go now? I really..."

"Not yet." Fitz groaned. "There's the matter of your excessive drinking." Fitz gave the Doctor a very pained look and started squirming - a lot!

"Doctor, please! I'll change anything you want! May I go now? Please! I..."

"No! Just sit there, whilst I finish a few repairs to the console. As for the drinking, if you can reduce it to two regular glasses of wine a day, with meals, I'll say no more. Otherwise, you start a stop-drinking programme as well. All right?"

"Yeah, all right! But may I go? Please?"

"No. Just sit there so I can keep an eye on you. I don't want you sneaking off for a farewell cigarette. You wouldn't get one, anyway. I've asked the TARDIS to remove all your smoking paraphernalia."

"Oh, hell." Fitz was going to have a great night, starting with, if he didn't..."

The Doctor spent some time mending and tinkering. Fitz was quiet enough, but he squirmed like crazy. Then he became very quiet. The Doctor looked up. Fitz was fast asleep. The Doctor chuckled and got up to send him properly off to bed. He knew Fitz - even if he had them, wouldn't light a cigarette half asleep. That was an obvious danger Fitz had never questioned.

He shook Fitz awake. "Fitz? Fitz?"

"What?"

"Come on. Off you go. Time you were in bed."

"Not yet." Fitz leapt out of the chair and ran to the nearest bathroom, slamming the door. All that wine and coffee had produced an obvious reaction. Even in the console room and with the bathroom door closed, the Doctor could still hear Fitz's incredibly loud sigh of relief. He laughed. So that was the reason for all the squirming, groaning and begging to be let go. He should have realised. Poor Fitz!

After a few minutes, the Doctor heard Fitz in his own bathroom, getting ready for bed. The Doctor went along to Fitz's room, and, unbeknownst to Fitz, stood in the doorway, waiting. The Doctor had made an arrangement with the TARDIS and he wanted to see the result.

Fitz came towards his bed in his boxers. He'd just switched on his bedside lamp, when "Lady Chatterley's Lover" materialised on his nightstand.

"HOLY BLOODY F...!" Fitz let fly with what many humans considered the ultimate four-letter-word. The Doctor couldn't help himself. He burst out laughing. Fitz whirled round. The Doctor composed himself and smiled at Fitz. "Well, it wouldn't do to cure ALL your bad habits. Life would be so terribly boring!"

"Ah, thanks, Doctor! And you, too!" He added to the TARDIS. She'd even bookmarked the place where Fitz had left off. It was the Doctor's way of saying he'd been forgiven.

The Doctor nodded, and then smiled and said, "My..." Lights blinked off and on. He acknowledged the TARDIS. "Our pleasure. Good night, Fitz."

"G'night, Doctor."

The Doctor left, smiling to himself and thinking, "I love humans. Always keeping you on your toes." He went off to make himself a nice cup of tea.

The End


End file.
